The Occupy Wall Street crowd is demanding that debt of all sorts be wiped out: they want their student loans wiped out, their mortgages wiped out, their credit card balances wiped out, but they don’t want to give up what they spent it on. Keep your home, keep your iPads and iPhones, keep your college degrees, keep it all but don’t pay for it. The 99% says they only retain a small portion of all the wealth in the economy, and now they want to grow their small portion.
We the 1% have no problem with a forced transfer of wealth, because it just means that there’s more money in the pockets of the 99% to spend on our services and products. Since no one wants to live within their means and plan for future emergencies, they’ll just overspend again and probably spend even more than before, so we’ll just end up with more in our pockets.
I propose, modestly, that we just extend more credit to everyone who wants it. Let’s wipe out all loans for everyone who earns less than $250,000 a year, reset every FICO score to 840 (the maximum) and open the flood gates for more loans.
You’d think I want it this way so that people will spend more money, but that’s not the case really. The short term increase in spending will be nice, but the best part about debt is that it is long term enslavement.
As an employer, let me share a little secret with you: when we top-one-percenters get together in secret, we celebrate the following:
- When an employee buys a home with a mortgage
- When an employee has a baby
- When an employee wants to go back to school (even when we kick in 50% of the cost of further education)
- When an employee asks for a payroll advance to make a credit card payment
All of these areas make us clap our hands, give each other high fives and big hugs during our monthly secret meetings in velvet lined rooms lit by soft candle. Sometimes we’ll even drop confetti from the ceilings — it’s that exciting.
See, since the dawn of organized religion, God and His Minions have told the 99% that debt is slavery. Even back to the Code of Hammurabi, financial debtors were allowed to sell their wives and children into temporary slavery for up to three years. Even without real enslavement, the Old Testament says in Deuteronomy 15:6 the following: “For the LORD your God will bless you as He has promised you, and you will lend to many nations, but you will not borrow; and you will rule over many nations, but they will not rule over you.”
That was thousands of years ago — even then you were warned about having debt.
Let’s move forward to today, and the reasons why we in the top 1% are so joyful when anyone in the bottom 99% signs their name on the dotted line for that new 2012 Mustang: again, it’s not about us making a profit on the interest.
When you “buy” (haha, snicker) a home with a mortgage, you acquired what we super wealthy call an anchor. Like a ship docked at port, the anchor prevents it from drifting or moving away. Your home is your anchor, it prevents you from easily jumping out of my dock (the job I gave you) for a better job that pays better or has better benefits elsewhere. Most people won’t even get a better job if it’s only 30 minutes farther away! Forget about moving to another state or country.
When I give you a 50% match towards more education, you still need to get a loan for the other 50%. That loan, thanks to the members of Congress that I give a good amount of money to every year, can’t be discharged in bankruptcy. Now you have a nice home and can’t move, and you also have added some educational debt that you can’t get rid of in bankruptcy forever. That means you need the job I’m giving you — you can’t even risk applying for another job because we in the top 1% all talk and share when one of you wants better pay. That means I own you, basically forever.
Go ahead, throw the condom away and stop taking the birth control. A child is a huge expense — even though their education part is free. Baby’s gotta eat, and mom needs to take time off to raise it. The confetti-from-the-ceiling celebration usually happens when dearest wifey pops out the slimy lizard from her loins. We in the 1% have a saying akin to the Freemason’s secret language: “The greatest anchor in the world comes at the end of an umbilical cord.” It’s true!
I recently built a laughing room in my office (it’s like a panic room, but only for the 1% crowd) where I can secure myself right after advancing one of my
slaves employees a few hundred bucks to send to Mastercard to get the collectors to stop calling. “Oh, you have a lot of credit card debt?” Translated: “oh my, I guess I don’t need to give you a raise at your next review, because you’re basically screwed.” Remember when dear old grandpa told you to save 10% of each check for a rainy day? It’s rainy days forever, and no, you can not have a bigger umbrella.
Now, I’d love to invite you to our monthly gathering (recently we started using human fat tissue for our candles, why do you think we want you to eat pizza and drink beer???), but you just don’t want it. After 2500 years of warning every newborn about not getting into debt, you won’t listen. You’ve been warned, but Alice’s kid across the street got into Yale, so you wanted your kid to go to Harvard. Tim and Nancy are driving around in that fancy new Volkswagen (leased), and you deservean Infiniti Q36, in Ocean Foam Blue.
So, I offer this Modest Proposal: More Debt for the 99%. First, we will clear out everything they owe. It’s not a lot, only a few trillion. Then, we reset their credit scores to perfect. The postal service will get their bailout as we in the top 1% start sending all those credit card offers you used to get when you had good credit — imagine the billions of postcards with photos of happy couples holding up wads of cash flooding the mail boxes of 99% of the population.
Yes, we in the top 1% will make a killing when you start spending again, but that’s not what we really want. It’s never about money. What we really want and need is to enslave the 99% in jobs that they’re desperate for because they’ve created anchors that prevent them from actually finding happiness elsewhere. We one-percenters created the American Dream, and it involves having all 4 anchors: a nice home, a college degree, two fat Pop-Tarts eating kids and a few credit cards to buy Missoni stuff at Target. All on credit!
Oh, don’t worry about being really pissed at reading this and disagreeing: your God(s) have warned you about this for thousands of years, and the guys you vote for are owned by us anyway — so even if you disagree, you’re ours now, and you’ll be ours forever, as will your children.